Jonathan Richie BW.tif

As a fat person, I make distinct choices when it comes to cookies. I try not to grab something too gluttonous. I enjoy a simple cookie, no frosting or sprinkles (unless they’re Christmas cookies). My cookie of choice – the classic chocolate chip.

The other day I was biting into what I thought was a regular chocolate chip cookie, small enough to fit a pair in the palm of my had. My first bite knocked me back for a split second and then I realized it was not simply a chocolate chip cookie, it was something awful and unexpected by my taste buds.

It was a raisin.

At that moment I had a thought, and I will admit it was not all that well thought out, but I decided to tell my boss about it anyway.

I told him, “I would go back in time to find the first person who used raisins in a cookie and kill them.”

Obviously, murder is wrong and I would be tried and probably sentenced to life in prison or the death penalty. I figure it would be sometime in the mid-1800’s. However, over time people would learn my story and come to the realization that I did society a humongous public service. Future generations may even see me as some type of hero.

“These cookies are so good, thanks to Jonathan – the cookie savior.”

School children and chocolate chip cookie lovers would rejoice for generations.

For too long some of us have been to an event with free cookies and by happenstance, a person grabs one they believe to be chocolate chip. They hold the cookie in their hand and that first bite, the one you have been waiting for since spotting the cookie tray, is full of delicious buttery batter and followed by a nasty raisin that gets stuck in their teeth. So now they’re using their tongue to release the dried-out grape.

Now, you may be thinking – “raisins are healthy, and they are nature’s candy.” Well then let’s leave them in those small cardboard boxes and force people to enjoy them outside of the cookie world.

We all know the raisin is most prominently featured in the oatmeal raisin cookie and my research shows the Amish were most likely the first to put raisins in treats.

So I would have to go back in time and take out one of these Amish bakers for the sake of humanity.

Then I did more research and found the first recipe for the raisin in a cookie is from 1896 when Fanny Merritt Farmer wrote and published Boston Cooking-School Cook Book. Farmer would be the easy target, but if I go after her then one of her drafts of the oatmeal cookie would survive and then either a fan or relative of the martyr would publish it and ruin everything.

Best to nip it in the bud and not let Farmer get the chance.

Jonathan Richie is the editor of the Burnett County Sentinel.