Jonathan Richie BW.tif

“And the sign said ‘Long-haired freaky people need not apply’” - lyric “Signs” by Five Man Electrical Band.

Growing up, the only thing I knew about hippies was they liked music and had long hair. There’s a chance we will all be looking like Neanderthals or hippies when this pandemic is over.

Barbershops, hairstylists and other personal care facilities have had to close their doors following the state’s Safer at Home order.

That being said, I’m pretty sure the state is going to be a lot hairier when this ends.

When Gov. Tony Evers’ office wrote the Safer at Home order they said places that cut hair are non-essential. It makes sense because it is impossible to cut someone’s hair from six feet away.

Maybe Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos will develop a robot that cuts hair.

A couple of weeks ago, my hair was so long it was slowly creeping down my back and as I described as “unmanageable.”

Luckily, I was able to get a haircut back in February because I almost had a mullet. I only get one haircut a year, I like it nice and short for a few months over the summer and then I let it grow out the rest of the year.

As a kid, my mom would cut our hair. She was (and still is) great at buzz cuts. My little brother wanted a different haircut once. I don’t remember it going very well and ended with another buzz cut.

There have been a few jokes going around about people not being able to get their hair cut over the next month or however long the Safer at Home order is in place.

One was that men looked like the cover of The Beatles “Please, Please Me” album cover with all four gents clean-shaven with mop tops. Then we’ll end this time looking like what is referred to as the blue album when all four had aged eight years with hair down to their shoulders.

Another idea going around is that there will be about 80% fewer blondes walking around because they have been unable to get their hair dyed.

However, thanks to the powers of the internet, there are a bunch of resources to help you cut your hair or the hair of a loved one.

I’ve been searching YouTube and found a couple tips for you.

• Don’t cut straight across your bangs, you’ll end up looking like a weirdo.

• Take off less to begin with, you can always take more off but cannot put any back.

• It’s just hair, it will grow back… eventually.

• Be careful and use the right tools - you don’t want to clip your ear and have to make a trip to the emergency room.

My plan is just to let everything grow out and look like a caveman whenever this stuff ends. It will probably be the same for a lot of people.

I would not be surprised to see caveman-like models in GQ magazine, Vogue or Cosmopolitan in a couple of months.

For once, I will be (inadvertently) up on the latest and hippest fashion trends.