Jonathan Richie BW.tif

Well, it finally happened. I ran out of toilet paper and was left with a box of tissues sitting atop the empty roll in my bathroom.

I had an interesting experience when I got home with my purchase, but I’ll get back to that.

But first let’s discuss smell. No, not that smell – that would be crass.

They say scent is the strongest link to memory of all our senses. I believe it. I love the smell of fresh baked cookies, takes me back to eating handfuls with a big glass of milk.

And now I have the love handles and strong bones to prove it.

Smells can take us back to a specific time in our lives. They can be good like cookies, although they can also be not so good.

I also get triggered into a slight terror by the smell of freshly cut grass. As a kid, my brother would practice shot put in the backyard, I had to push-mow that section and it was murder on my ankles.

There are a variety of smells that take me back to my childhood. Any time I cut myself I think back to this circular red tin my parents had and my dad would open it up and the musky smell would assault my senses.

In that same vein there are smells, mostly unpleasant ones, that take me back to my early 20s and questionable decisions in college.

Where was I, oh yeah, toilet paper shopping. I was at the store grabbing a bunch of different things when I remembered at home a box of tissues is resting where the toilet paper belongs. So, I needed to buy that.

I find the aisle, it’s surprisingly almost fully stocked, I grabbed the biggest package for the smallest price. It’s toilet paper, the science is almost perfect so there’s nothing on the packaging I need to read. Right?


I get home to find out that my newly purchased toilet paper is scented with lavender. Why, is my first and only question. I deduce that it’s sprayed with something to give it that lavender smell.

Lavender or any scented toilet paper is… asinine (pun intended).

I don’t understand it.

Am I living in the world where, like a dog, people are constantly smelling my butt to check my scent?

No, I’m a human who knows how to use toilet paper properly so I don’t need it scented.

Isn’t that the point of toilet paper? If you use it properly you don’t need to worry about the smell? And if you’re that bad at using the restroom – you might want to switch to baby wipes.

But don’t flush those down the toilet! It’s not safe.

I get that there was a shortage, but I fully believe lavender toilet paper is the overcorrection that will lead our great country straight into socialism.

I support sanity in the bathroom. End scented toilet paper now, before it’s too late!