This is another in the Richie Bros. Gang series, where I tell a funny story from years ago.
This story, I’m about to tell, is best told by starting at the end and then going to the beginning and picking up parts from the middle along the way. My publisher said I’m not allowed to write a 10,000 word column about the time I chased my brother around the house with a can of Pledge that ended with our mother flying through the air. After her “flight” I spent the rest of the day terrified in the house alone with her.
My brother Matthew and I were messing around watching television in the morning in 1999. He was 10 and I was eight, when he said something that I did not appreciate and we began to fight.
I do not recall the fight because it was a daily thing with us. So, if you do the math that’s one fight every day for approximately 7 years when we were trying to kill each other, it ends up being over 2,550 fights and doesn’t include days with multiple fights.
Matthew is two years older than me, not including the three days every February when he is three years older than me. He had the size and strength advantage. I was forced to rely on speed, deception and smarts.
On this day, let’s say it was in June, I had figured out how to get my brother to run away from me – a can of Pledge.
Yes, one of those aerosol cans with lemon scented Pledge in it, designed to clean or polish wood.
It was the perfect tactic. “Stay away Matthew, or you’ll get lemon Pledge in the eye.”
I ended up chasing him out of the carpeted living room into the wooden floored library and ending in the linoleum floored kitchen, spraying all the way.
It appeared that I had won. I think we went to play outside after that.
Sometime in the afternoon our Mom came home, she had no idea about the Pledge-lined floor.
“I flew five feet in the air!” That’s what she told me when she came outside yelling at us. She said many other things, but I’ve blocked some of it out of my mind and the rest is not suitable for this publication.
I’m pretty sure I got hit with the belt for this one. Looking back, I deserved the belt.
I did not get to see her fly through the air in the library, but I spent a few moments thinking about it. My brother laughed. I did not dare laugh because I knew it was my fault and I was already terrified.
Josh, my younger brother, was out of the house the whole day and shortly after the yelling incident, Matthew left for a friend’s house.
So, I spent the rest of the day looking over my shoulder and not staying in one room for more than 30 minutes. Although my mom doesn’t look menacing, she can scare the life out of you.
I thought about how that would go today with safer at home in place.
It still makes me shudder.
But I have to admit, the mental picture of my mom in mid air is pretty funny.